#1 October 2003

I could never define the boundaries of my life. This is why I was confused when I started to try becoming a girl. It may have been in high school where I became this effeminate gay boy who plucked his eyebrows (I was obsessed with my eyebrows and I still am now!) and shaped them with eyebrow pencils and brought powder to the classroom. Or it may also have been when I started to flirt around with my boy classmates in my all-boy’s school (what luck!) and earned the disapproval of my priest superiors! But since I started to ‘come out’ in the classroom time my life has never been the same again. I started to wear tight shirts and jeans. I put on powder and even foundation and started to become conscious of what I wear and how I would look in front of people. I was absolutely filled with vanity at this period of my life. 

Like many cases of budding ladyboys my parents were not happy about this. They threw away my compacts and eyebrow pencils and lipsticks. It was hell for someone with a low budget and who spent a lot on makeup and skin care...

They stopped me from watching shows and interacting with anything or anyone feminine. They told me not to go with my other effeminate friends! This part reached ridiculous proportions! My father hated my effeminate friends. Thinking they were a bad influence, he sneered, mocked and at one moment shouted at my friends. He probably even cursed the day I knew these people. I ‘escaped’ to meet my friends. I was always nervous about being discovered with them. Discovery meant a whole night of sermon and sometimes physical advancements. I sort of hated them at this period. I think this was a time of rebellion for me! It was a tumultuous time in my life. 

I don't know of this was a case of the chaotic part of adolescence but I guess it was sometimes hell for me to be in this situation. The people disapproved of me especially my significant 'ones.' But I felt some kind of heaven too because finally I was able to free myself from the bondage of fear at being discovered that I was gay. These people would never understand that I felt trapped inside this abyss of masculinity and I wanted to get out. I felt that if there ever was a time to tell the people the truth about me it would be at that moment. Although my transition from 'pretend' masculinity to total 'gayness' was not smooth, it may have been very beneficial for my well-being. I believe that I made some wrong decisions at that time for I was then very young and never really had the guidance to live the kind of life but hey, who said life has to go smoothly? The process of liberation for me may have been a matter of trial-and-error but I have to be proud of myself for standing by my beliefs....

(to be continued) 

Lisa

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