#2 November 2003

IF you could have a glimpse into my childhood you would never guess that I would turn out to be as feminine as I am now. I love to run, jump and hide like any other kid. I was obsessed with badminton and ping-pong, the two being famous as traditional Asian sports. I guess I had a fast eye then and quick reflexes. Pretty strange for a future ladyboy eh? Ha ha ha! I soaked up a lot of sports on television. I watched every racket sport I could glue my eye onto. I had countless sleepless nights watching Wimbledon, The US Open and every badminton and ping-pong tournament I could see! 

Of course I was particularly interested with the women players. They were so graceful and lithe and yet so powerful and fast and I admired them so much. I often imitated them when I was in action with my cousins who I sometimes forced to play with me! ha ha ha! I was just like any normal child who was active and sprite and restless. My mother wondered where I got this energy and how I spent so many hours running and playing. 

I was however shy about entering tournaments. I’m sure shyness is part of any childhood but it was also this fear that people may discover that I’m gay and lodge in themselves the belief that I was unconventional. I could not face that yet. So I continued to play with close friends, imagining myself to be engaging in the glamorous matches and although this did not snatch away the lessons I learned in sports, there always seemed to be something lacking in my active life. 

It is probably my experience in sports, that has led me to endure many difficult moments in my life. Life is a game after all and there are many facets of life which we can assimilate to a match. There are victorious moments and there are crushing defeats. It’s a game of big and small stakes. 

I have experienced them all. Beatings from my father, harsh words from my mother, the criticisms of my relatives and more, have remained etched in my life. It is these experiences that have probably ingrained the insecurities but at the same time the strength in me. I believe that in every event in our life, there is always a good and a bad edge to it. Each and every single event of our short life has its positive and negative outcomes. And we should learn from this. We should not be afraid to be hurt, to fall, to love, to be left, to leave because life is a gamble with big and small stakes.

Life is a game…

Liisa

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